Via the National Enqurier:

Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon, and The ENQUIRER has learned Meinelt claims he saw Jon snort cocaine many times, and that he’s watched Jon’s secret sex tape!
“Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.
“Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him.

Here’s a sneak peek of some of the goods you’ll be in store for.
Start the Barry White “Love Theme” Music here…

But don’t you worry kids. Jon is already in the track to self righteousness…
or I should rather say, self parody:

My Grand Daddy used to say that you just can’t polish a turd!

• You can cover it with bling…
• You can put hair plugs on it…
• You can apologize for its stench…
• You can visit a rabbi and have it ordained…
• You can tell people it will cost $30,000 just to bask in its presence…
• You can fool some young dung beetle (Hailey Glassman) into thinking you’re a keeper… when you’re really  just a creeper.

But in the end, yup… Still just a turd!

…unless perhaps you’ve a batch of blond, moderately saggy rear-ends to offer!

MSNBC reports that the former reality star wants no less than $30,000 per appearance. He’ll crash birthdays, pool parties, bar-mitzvahs, weddings… you name it!

Jon may not be selling himself out cheap these days, but he promises to show up, drink your booze, eat your food, and hit on your women! Unfortunately, as rumors go, business has been a bit slow, and he has been forced to call around looking for his own gigs.

“He wanted more than $30,000 dollars to show up for just a couple hours,” said one publicist who was forced to deal with Jon. “The funny part was, we didn’t even reach out to him—He called us asking to come.”

What a Maroon!

[Photos via: thefablife and poponthepop]

Jon finally stood up, admitted his wrongs, and apologized to Kate while on ET with Mary Hart earlier tonight.

Highlights:
“Kate, I just want to apologize, you know (cause I sure don’t know) for my actions. You know (I have no idea what I’m even saying), I’m sorry, you know (I just recite what they tell me to), that I was an avoider and I didn’t communicate properly. And now I have to take initiative, let’s both go together, let’s both mediate this thing out (Get me the $#@! out of here).”

It’s amazing what the loss of a job can do to a man. It can make him think about his direction in life, his children, the necessity for more costly hair implants, perhaps even a tummy tuck…

It indeed takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong, Jon, but it takes a very small one to apologize when the person is hundreds of miles away. You might as well of sent her a quick text message instead:

K8… dn’t hate
thk yer gr8
runnin late
gotta date

[Image via INF Daily]